Not Wrong, Just Different

I've been doing quite a bit soul searching, trying to figure out why I believe what I believe and even simpler...what DO I believe. I've been attending the same church for almost 10 years now and at one time it was my life. I worked at the church as the secretary, children's director and the pastoral assistant. I quit my paid position just about a year ago and I feel as though I've been questioning everything since.

I sometimes think that I was too involved. I sacrificed time with my family, my children and my husband just because we had so much going on at the church. My husband and I put off going away for the weekends because it was required I be at the Sunday and wednesday services. I seriously only missed 4 (sometime it would be like 6, if the kids were sick or whatnot) services in a year.
I would avoid doing anything on Saturdays because I didn't want to be tired for church (because we had to be there by 8), or I needed to study a lesson or get something prepared for the next day.
There was a time when we considered not letting our oldest boy play football because it would take him away from church on Wednesday's.

I have recently stopped teaching at our church because my husband and I needed to separate ourselves and have questions. Where we stand? What is God saying to us as a family? Are we where we are supposed to be? What changes do we need to make? Is there something else for us?

Now that I've had some time to reflect, I get sad for the person I was, the person I was becoming. I was so far from the mom I wanted to be and even the Christian I wanted to be.

Do I think it brought separation from God to miss a few services to let our son play football?
Um.....NO!!!!!
But that is what I was made to believe and I struggled with that. Thinking we were bad parents because we wanted our children to do things, or we ourselves wanted to do certain things that maybe were on the weekend or during the mid week service.

Where is the balance? I don't think only focusing on what your kids want to do or their extra curricular activities is balance. But neither do I think only doing church activities or being so busy because the church always has something coming up or going on is balance. Just because it's what the pastors have chosen to do with their children and their lives doesn't make it right for us. That's where I was, taking cues from their life and the decisions they made or suggested for my life.

The things that I am learning about myself, are my OWN values and personality. Gods direction for MY life is slowly coming into focus and I'm starting not to care who has a problem with it. I am an adult and can make my own decisions.

I have different likes than some people, and no one likes to be judged for who they are. It doesn't feel good. And I'm ashamed that I used to sit in the judgment seat. Judging people for their different ways of living and choices. I feel terrible, I never intended to be like that, but it's what I was....a judge. Because I thought I what I was doing was right.

So far it's still been a process, to unlearn some behavior, but there has been so much freedom in just relaxing a bit. The big things in life are still important, but what I've learned I the last year, there are A LOT less big, important things to freak out and judge about.

I'm not wrong, I'm just different.