Have you ever had a day where you wish you could rewind the morning? Well that was us this morning.

Every morning it's a mad house at our place. Wake up, make coffee, wake the kids up, start laundry, take a shower, get dressed, pick the kids' clothes out, feed the horses, feed the chickens, feed the goats...don't forget to feed the kids.
Don't forget my assignments don't let the kids leave without jackets, don't miss the bus and try not to be late for school myself.

This morning was one of those!
My oldest son woke sick and went back to bed. We woke up late so our other two kids woke up late and very cranky. They fought the entire time over breakfast while I tried to pick out their clothes and check their packets that needed to go back to school. My youngest threw a whiney fit about EVERYTHING this morning. Everything caused him to whine "I can't find my backpack" "I can't find my shoes" "I'm going to be late" "I'm going to miss the bus"
Which by the way he almost did and ran down the driveway just as our middle son was stepping on the bus.

All of this was going on, by husband is yelling at the kids to stop fighting and whining. Clean baskets of clothes are being gone through ( and when I say gone through, just imagine clothes being flung everywhere because they can't find theirs and they are freaking out because the bus is close).

Our house is chaotic in the morning. And when all 3 boys finally make it to the bus with smiles on their faces,
We shut the door.....
Turn around......
And sigh.....for tomorrow it starts all over again.

This is was my house looks like (don't judge me....I will clean it when I get home).

Thinking back at the possibilities that could have been, sometimes is almost too much to bear.

The most painful what if of my life is my brother, Travis. He died, in Iraq, just 9 days before he was coming home on leave. He was 23 years old with such a great future ahead of him. He was a good man. He seemed to be a magnet for children, they loved him. He was fun to be around and always had something good to say. When he wanted to be serious, you had better listen. He just seemed to command a presence and respect that I miss so much.

Growing up it was tough. We were shuffled around alot. Living with our grandma off and on, living with our dad a few times, always a different house a different stepdad. The one thing that was always there was Travis. We did almost everything together. Went through the same heartaches, the same feelings of always being the "new" kid in the countless schools we went to. We never grew up with childhood friends. We never had long term friends, because we went to a different school every year. Travis was my long term friend.

It was always just us. No matter what else was going on in our lives, it was just us. We kind of created this bubble around the both of us, and we never got close to relatives. Never really connected to people around us.

Why? What's the point?
We'd be moving on soon anyway.

We finally had some stability into our lives when I turned 16 and Travis 13, when we moved to Montana to live with our dad permanently. We were able to make friends, which was hard but something we needed so badly.
For me it was hard to break into those friendships that had been formed by kids who didn't move around, those that were formed by kids who grew up together. But it was easier for Travis, his magnetic fun personality drew the good kind of people to him. Those types of people that would be friends for life.

During the 2 years that I lived with my dad, Travis and I seemed to have our own lives for once. There weren't times were we only had each other, weren't times were I felt I needed to protect him.

I went off to college and he to high school. After high school he tried to go to college but money ran out and family couldn't help. Time once again of uncertainty for him. All of his belongings piled into his prized possession, his jeep.

So he came to live with me and my son for a short time. It was nice having him with me, to play with his nephew and to make memories, because that's all we have now...memories.

He joined the Montana Guard while living with me. And before he went to boot camp, he decided to go be with the most important person in his life, his girlfriend, one that he had since high school.

Well after boot camp he was deployed to Iraq and didn't make it home.

It's been 7 years since his death and I just can't seem to get over it. Every few months something happens where it just brings back all the memories and feelings. Travis' girlfriend at the time just got married this past September and it was horrible for me. I just kept thinking about what could have been of he had never died.

What kind of wedding would they have had, would they have kids, what kind of job would he have, where would they be living. It's all just too much to bear sometimes.

Thinking about the person you have shared so much with, gone through so much with. The only person in the world who knows what you have been through and can sympathize. Thinking about what could have been is torturous, but I can't help it.

Travis' girlfriend recently shared a few letters that he had written her from Iraq. I read them yesterday and pretty much couldn't function afterward. I was shaking and crying reading his most personal and final thoughts to her. It puts me into a funk or depression it's tough to get over.

I don't know how to move on without him. Sure my life has moved on but in side I've felt guilty. Guilty for being normal when he isn't here. I miss him so much and I can't get over it. Not sure how to.

Well that's my rant for the day, I will try and be grateful for the time I did have with him and look to the positive in the relationships I have built since.

I love Christmas, like seriously love it. I think my favorite part is buying things for people. I love thinking about the person and what they would like, picking out a perfect gift I know would really bless them. I love being a blessing.

I started shopping this in September. So the day after thanksgiving we went and got our tree and I was able to wrap all the presents I had already bought.

I love everything about Christmas, the food, the drinks, the wrapping and the snow. I know I probably sound like a crazy person, but I can't help it. It's my season.

There is one thing I have come to realize is that I cannot put lights on a tree. It's too stressful for me, it's never perfect so I get stressed out. So, I leave that part to my husband and kids, after all it's not just about me. Haha

Here's a picture of our tree this year with the gifts I have bought so far.

I have been making my own laudry soap for my family for a couple of years now.  We have 3 boys and a farm, so I have sooo much laundry to do, ALL THE TIME!!!!

Let's face it, laundry soap is expensive and I needed a way to save money in all aspects of my life.  I have tried quite a few different recipes and found this one that I love the best.
You can make powder laundry soap too with these same ingredients but I found that it doesn't last as long in my house hold (you only use about 2 tbsp., and for our dirty kids it never seemed like enough so I would use more).

Here's the ingredients and the cost (from Wal-Mart)

20 mule team Borax $3.38

 

Arm & Hammer Super Washing Soda - $3.38

 

Fels Naptha - $0.97

 

5 gallon bucket

 

I don't remember what I paid for this, you only have to buy 1, one time - $4.00 (approx)

 

Ok so here's the steps....

 

 

1. On the stove in a pot (I just use a normal pot, it doesn't bother me, after all it's soap not chemicals) grate the bar of Fels-Naptha until its all finely grated.  Add 4 cups of HOT tap water and cook on the stove until the grated bar is melted and uniform with the water.

 

2.  While the pot is cooking, measure out 1/2 cup of the Borax and 1 cup of the Super Washing soda and set aside.

 

3.  Once the mixture on the stove is all melted and uniform.  Fill your bucket half way with HOT water.  Add the pre-measured Borax and Washing soda, then add the melted bar of soap (stove pot).  Mix well.  Content will bubble, don't worry that's normal.

 

 

 

Mixture on the stove almost melted!

 

 

Pouring the mixture into the half filled bucket of hot water and powder mixture!

 

4.  Once you have added all of the mixtures and bucket is well stirred, fill the bucket the rest of the way with HOT water.

 

5. Place lid on your bucket and set aside somewhere in your kitchen or laundry room out of the way.

 

 

6.  It will take a few hours to overnight to cool.  Once cool, you can take the lid off and stir mixture. The contet will look like "gel" and watery at the same time.  Just mix it through breaking up the big chunks of gel. 

 

7.  Now some recpies tell you to take an old laundry container that has been cleaned out and fill it half way with water and fill the rest with the laundry solution you just made.  So the laundry soap you made actally makes 10 gallons of soap.  I do not dilute it down further, I just use it as is.  I like that it is more concentrated for reasons I stated earlier with my dirty family :)

 

8.  If you choose to dilute it further or keep it as is, you can add your favorite fragrance.  Sometimes I like the regular smell of it, and other times I add just a little bit of essential/fragrance oil to the mixture.  This time I added honeysuckle (trying to keep a somewhat masculine but clean scent for my boys, lol).

 

 

 

9.  Once you are all done, it only takes about 1/2 cup per load of laundry, or just however much you think you need.

 

 

So I hope everyone has enjoyed my contribution to the mom's trying to save money out there.

 

Here is the price breakdown per the prices I paid (since everywhere is different)

 

Per batch:  1/2 cup borax           - $ 0.17

                   1 cup washing soda - $ 0.49

                   1 bar Fels Naptha    - $ 0.97

                  Total          - $1.63 for 5 or 10 gallons of laundry soap(Depending on how you dilute)

 

Pretty good deal if you ask me!!!!