The "what if's"

Thinking back at the possibilities that could have been, sometimes is almost too much to bear.

The most painful what if of my life is my brother, Travis. He died, in Iraq, just 9 days before he was coming home on leave. He was 23 years old with such a great future ahead of him. He was a good man. He seemed to be a magnet for children, they loved him. He was fun to be around and always had something good to say. When he wanted to be serious, you had better listen. He just seemed to command a presence and respect that I miss so much.

Growing up it was tough. We were shuffled around alot. Living with our grandma off and on, living with our dad a few times, always a different house a different stepdad. The one thing that was always there was Travis. We did almost everything together. Went through the same heartaches, the same feelings of always being the "new" kid in the countless schools we went to. We never grew up with childhood friends. We never had long term friends, because we went to a different school every year. Travis was my long term friend.

It was always just us. No matter what else was going on in our lives, it was just us. We kind of created this bubble around the both of us, and we never got close to relatives. Never really connected to people around us.

Why? What's the point?
We'd be moving on soon anyway.

We finally had some stability into our lives when I turned 16 and Travis 13, when we moved to Montana to live with our dad permanently. We were able to make friends, which was hard but something we needed so badly.
For me it was hard to break into those friendships that had been formed by kids who didn't move around, those that were formed by kids who grew up together. But it was easier for Travis, his magnetic fun personality drew the good kind of people to him. Those types of people that would be friends for life.

During the 2 years that I lived with my dad, Travis and I seemed to have our own lives for once. There weren't times were we only had each other, weren't times were I felt I needed to protect him.

I went off to college and he to high school. After high school he tried to go to college but money ran out and family couldn't help. Time once again of uncertainty for him. All of his belongings piled into his prized possession, his jeep.

So he came to live with me and my son for a short time. It was nice having him with me, to play with his nephew and to make memories, because that's all we have now...memories.

He joined the Montana Guard while living with me. And before he went to boot camp, he decided to go be with the most important person in his life, his girlfriend, one that he had since high school.

Well after boot camp he was deployed to Iraq and didn't make it home.

It's been 7 years since his death and I just can't seem to get over it. Every few months something happens where it just brings back all the memories and feelings. Travis' girlfriend at the time just got married this past September and it was horrible for me. I just kept thinking about what could have been of he had never died.

What kind of wedding would they have had, would they have kids, what kind of job would he have, where would they be living. It's all just too much to bear sometimes.

Thinking about the person you have shared so much with, gone through so much with. The only person in the world who knows what you have been through and can sympathize. Thinking about what could have been is torturous, but I can't help it.

Travis' girlfriend recently shared a few letters that he had written her from Iraq. I read them yesterday and pretty much couldn't function afterward. I was shaking and crying reading his most personal and final thoughts to her. It puts me into a funk or depression it's tough to get over.

I don't know how to move on without him. Sure my life has moved on but in side I've felt guilty. Guilty for being normal when he isn't here. I miss him so much and I can't get over it. Not sure how to.

Well that's my rant for the day, I will try and be grateful for the time I did have with him and look to the positive in the relationships I have built since.